Im at strip club and am horny
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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