Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
