Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
