I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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