if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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