I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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