you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
