i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just invented taco cereal.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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