At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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