I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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