You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
A bitchslap is in order.
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