what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
