Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
