Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize