I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
