This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just found puke in my bra..
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
