I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
i've created a new STD.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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