if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
