My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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