Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize