Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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