it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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