my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
