just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
