he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
