Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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