I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
