this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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