You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
