Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
