Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
