I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
