Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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