I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize