a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
