just come out here and I will go home with you...
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
