they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
