Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
