Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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