btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Sext me about skeletons
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
