the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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