i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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