We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
