Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
