When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
