you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
