do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize