So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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