there's paper in my vomit.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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