He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
