I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
How does one acquire holy water?
Randomize
