Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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