I wish my penis had an off switch
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
