She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
