By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
