I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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