im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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