Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
