K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
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