my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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