his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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